I was never interested in bodybuilding- but I was never not interested either- it was simply something that was never on my radar. I kind of fell into hypertrophy training when I was recovering from some olympic weightlifting injuries and began to appreciate how nice it was to be able to train hard and not feel broken.
A suggestion to do a summer diet from a former partner turned into me getting pretty lean and being encouraged to do a show by a coach I consulted with when prepping for a photo shoot.
That is the origin story of my competitive body building journey.
I am a natural athlete (literally zero desire to change that) and I still to this day have never stepped on a natural stage- I've only competed in the NPC- so from day 1- first show, learned to walk in heels 3 weeks prior to going on stage, rented a suit, coach didn't answer his phone morning of the show... I had zero idea what i was doing. Literally zero.
My partner was supposed to travel with me for the show and he backed out last minute because of something I did... long story short this was the beginning of my bodybuilding being a major issue in our relationship.
After that first show, I saw what I needed to work on and I decided to take the next 6-9 months and work on gaining some muscle. I did what most people do after their first show and I gained likely what was too much body fat. My stage weight was around 140 (which was likely 8-10 lbs away from actually being stage lean) and I bulked up to 160ish. I was doing this on purpose, but again it caused problems in my relationship because I "blew up."
Because of some other issues in the relationship, I think this dissension made me lean in harder to bodybuilding because it was something that I was doing for myself and felt like a form of self care while in the midst of a relationship that was riddled with problems.
The harder I leaned into bodybuilding, the worse my relationship became. My last prep while I was in that relationship was incredibly stressful due to the relationship dynamics. Ultimately the relationship ended in a rather dramatic fashion and I was determined to give myself a prep that was not overshadowed by a relationship that was not good for me (and did not bring out the best in me).
So that was my mission for my prep in 2024. During that time I had started to form a new relationship with an amazing man who is still in my life. We traveled and I ate at restaurants regularly during my prep and was still able to beat my past conditioning. I was self coached which was a different challenge and absolutely fucked up one of my peak weeks- literally by just eating too much- so I looked really bloated on stage at that show which was unfortunate. Looked much better at the next show I did a few weeks later- but by that point I was exhausted and had been managing with some health issues the majority of the year that I really needed to be out of prep in order to navigate **the stress of dieting and being at low body fat was alot for me.
So since stepping off stage in August 2024, the mission has been to get myself healthy and allow myself lean into building a relationship with my partner.
So after 2 official body building preps- I question I have is "what is this giving me."
I love the concept of self improvement that is at the core of bodybuilding philosophy AND with my size and competitive class (figure) I love that I can adapt prep to fit into my lifestyle even when we are traveling a lot. I actually found fat loss dieting pretty easy while traveling and exploring new places was a nice dopamine boost when you're not getting it from eating food lols. What was challenging for me was coming back home and adjusting to the low dopamine state- no new places to explore and no interesting food. Lols.
So I love many of the principles of bodybuilding, I am totally okay with fat loss dieting, and I have settled on an "off season" shape that feels good to me in terms of aesthetics and allows me to train hard and recover well.
What I think is interesting to me at this point is how I feel like initially I held onto bodybuilding so tightly because it made me feel okay during a time of life when i was very much not okay.
And now that I have a nourishing, supportive relationship, I don't feel like I need to cling onto this thing that is bodybuilding so tightly. As a matter of fact, I feel like I need to redefine my relationship with it entirely as I have grown alot in the last few years and my relationship with my partner is drastically different that the relationship I had when I started my bodybuilding adventures.
So that is the long story behind my current relationship with bodybuilding. Definitely in a stage where redefining is necessary.
I do not plan to compete this year- thats as far as ive gotten at this point.
xo
Tiana
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